Dear Diary

Is this the Beginning or the End?

I haven’t been writing I think because I have been so down lately.  After I wrote that super honest post I just haven’t been able to bring myself back to read it again.  It needs to be edited but I just can’t.  I feel like if I remember what I wrote, I will delete it.  My mother ignored my call on Mother’s Day.  She never called back, not even the next day or the day after.  She pretends on Facebook like everything is ok.  Nothing is ok.  I can’t say that I have ever felt this alone, and that is saying something.  Not saying that one thing directly correlates with the other but, it doesn’t help to feel rejected by your own mother…. I give up on her.  I give up on all things that made me this person.  I hate this person.  I give up.

My husband is tired of the mess that is my life.  He expects me to fix it on my own.  I wish he understood how hard it is to overcome the sadness that has enveloped my body, it is hard to breath let alone stand tall.  I feel pathetic and useless, I feel like a failure.  I feel so many emotions that I keep inside because I have no one to share them with.  I can’t expect anything from anyone.  Not that I ever did but, I need to stop using my loneliness and this constant heel dragging state of mind as my own excuse to live the way I do.

When I was working, I was so so low.  I hated my job.  I hated being alone in the office all day, every day staring at a computer screen.  The loneliness drove me insane, I escaped to blogging and Facebook until I got caught and then I just sat there prisoner to my own mistakes for another year until leaving for my maternity leave that would inevitably never end.  I swore if I could just get myself out of that atmosphere, out of that life, that I would be ok.  I swore it was my job, it was the overspending, it was the commuting, the rushing, the late dinners and lack of time.  I swore it was everything else holding me back, everything else was the reason that I never grew up, never felt like I belonged with all the other responsible adults, I wasn’t an adult, I did not could not adult.  I woke up late, scrambled around and rushed every single day.  I packed up clothes for my daughter to change into because I couldn’t get her ready myself, there was never enough time.  I often forgot important things like glasses and shoes.  I was a mess.

I swore it was because I worked too many hours, I went to school, I had this big house to clean, I was only one person with barely any domestic help from my spouse.  I knew that all the stress was causing my sadness, I knew that if I could just graduate, just become a stay at home mom or an entrepreneur or anything else other than who I was that I would be better, I would mature into a real -together- member of society.  Yet, here I am.  Over a year into becoming a stay at home mom and my life may just be worse than ever.  My house is messier.  I am never on time.  My sleeping habits have not improved.  I am always rushing around, forgetting things, stressed out and yelling.  I have no career.  I am going back to school because I never finished.  Our finances are a mess.  I am a mess.

I’ve been walking around like there is a cloud directly over me, blocking the sun from ever touching my face.  Every time I try to make improvements in my life, there is something in the way making it hard, making me work harder, nothing is ever easy.  I need to keep writing because without this blog my thoughts are just a jumbled mess.  I can’t even keep up with the “blog posts in my head anymore” I am too busy telling myself how much I suck.

Without friends or family.  Without a husband.  I need to build my own life.  Not to say that I am leaving my husband, I just mean, I need to stop leaning on the ideals that other people are responsible for my sadness, my loneliness, my pathetic existence.  I need to become an adult and I need to do it on my own.  I need to do the things adults do.  Wake up early, be on time, keep my house clean, get rid of clutter, stay calm.  I need to find inner peace.  Lately I haven’t even been eating well.  Or much at all really.  I need a healthier diet full of whole grains and leafy greens.  I need to eat more than two hard boiled eggs and a piece of toast by 2:19 in the afternoon.  I need exercise.  I need happiness.  I need friends.  Me time.  A life.  My own life.  Outside of this house, outside of my marriage, outside of motherhood.  I need friends who actually care about who I am because they actually like me.  I honestly don’t know if I have even one of those.

So what is the point of this post?  Really, I don’t know.  I just need to clear my head.  In the back of my mind I hope that this can be the beginning of some kind of metamorphosis.  That maybe one day I can look back at all these words and see the evolution take place.  Maybe this will finally be the beginning to the end of my sadness.


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