Dear Diary

Literally, what the fuck.

I don’t really feel like addressing my absence right now but at the same time feel I need to at lease say something about why I am back or why I was away, one of the two.  But really, I honestly don’t know and maybe that is why I can’t address it because really, I don’t know what to say.  Every time I get the tiniest bit of “blogging” success I run away.  The momentum builds, the followers start to grow, the traffic starts coming, I get a sponsorship, I run away.

I hate the term blogging.  It is just so completely corny to me.  I like to think of myself as a pretty non-corny person so associating myself with this world that most people either don’t understand or respect is hard for starters.  Second I have a really difficult time putting myself out there and third, I don’t want to talk about vanilla bullshit to attract people so I can earn money which at this current time is what blogging has turned into.  Every housewife on the planet is either a photographer or a blogger which honestly really pisses me off because I decided this past September to go down a different road with my life which included finishing my last year of art school instead of my last year of nursing (way too long of a story right now) so I could open my own in home studio and then starting following all these photog Facebook groups only to find it its just a whole other world of this corny bs.  Honestly though I respect the photogs and the bloggers I do don’t get me wrong.  But they are disrespected just as equally in everyone eyes which is frustrating to say the least.  Learning how to manually manipulate a dslr and control lighting is HARD, having a good eye is the least of your worries.

So now I find myself back here because I need to talk some things out and I have no one to do that with right now while my husband is at work and there are just too many thoughts honestly for even him.  I have no true friends, no one I can call and cry to other than my grandma.  It’s sad I know but it is the sad reality of my life.  A few days ago my family experienced a very traumatic event that changed our lives and I need a place to go and let my feelings out.  I don’t have the time, babysitter or money for therapy so I am realizing that every time I feel this way I starting writing and that is all my blogs have ever been just me, feeling down and out, going through these bouts of depression and trying to talk myself through them.

I almost gave this blog up.  Oddly enough I got a notice a few days ago saying I had 48 hours to pay my bill or I would be shut down, everything erased gone forever.  And somehow I mustered up this thought in the wee hours of the morning while sitting in a hospital room waiting for answers that caused me to pay the bill so I could have this place to come back to when things settled down and I could write again.  Because I need this outlet for my sanity.  I can’t let myself slip away again, my family can’t bear that right now we have already been through enough.

So I’ve decided to have this blog again but I am not playing the game anymore.  I am not looking for sponsorships and running around all the Facebook pages doing follow for follows and sharing blog links.  Honestly what the fuck ever at this point.  Part of me thinks I should just make all of this private and no longer share with the potential world but then I always have this voice in the back of my head saying that I might somehow someway help someone someday.  Wow that was a strange sentence.  And so, I have also decided to keep this public.  In a way that settles things in my mind to be able to talk freely from my heart about the things I truly need to say without fear of really sharing.  I don’t know, it makes sense to me.  Tackling all the things I really need to talk about is really fucking hard.  But I can’t keep pretending that this is a happy blog full of DIY and home decor because it’s not.  It’s not a mommy blog, although I am a mom who loves her kids more than life itself.  It’s not a cooking blog although I do take some pretty great pics of dinner every night I’m not gonna lie.  It’s not marriage, it’s not sickness, it’s not photography or nature or animals.  It’s depression.  My blog is about depression.  There I said it.  Why I have been writing for twelve years hiding under this mask that I could somehow make this about anything else is beyond me because the truth is at the end of the day it always comes back to this.

I have been fighting depression for most of my life.  It scares me to say that.  It scares me that other people will think I am somehow a threat to my children or their children or I am not fit to be a good person or something.  There is such a stigma about mental health, not that I am trying now to set some record straight or be a spokesperson because god help me I do not want to be the face of anything especially not this.  I think I just finally realized in this moment that I need nothing more than to express all these feelings, to put to words all of it.  I need to cut this short but I promise this time I will be back.  Until then, if you’re reading this, stay cool… don’t be a whiny brat.

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