I had to cover a shift on Friday morning during my designated writing time. I am pretty much a sham but I babysit a few hours every week and I also work as a home companion for an elderly couple. I mostly just hang out with them and wash their dishes. It’s a pretty sweet gig. My friend who works their morning shift asked me to cover and I’m always down to make money. At first when I agreed to it I immediately wrote off the gym but my husband was all like, don’t be a bum, what’s a half hour in the grand scheme of things? SO.. I was like, challenge accepted.. And, I woke up even earlier to still make it to the gym before work, I even showered for the first time ever there which I thought I was going to hate but actually, it wasn’t that bad.
I thought I could come home after work and write a little later than usual but the day got away from me and by the time I realized I forgot about writing I didn’t have an hour to devote to it anymore and just moved on. It was Cinco De Mayo and I had this elaborate meal planned which turned out to be a big waste of time. My husband has turned into my clients yard guy and, their husband ended up calling and asked if he could come clean out their gutters which turned into a 2.5 hour job, after he had already worked all day. I missed out on playing with the kids in the kiddie pool because I was cooking. And, we missed out on being together as a family enjoying the meal because the job took too long. By the time he got back, I was putting the kids in bed and we ate without them. Such is life right?
I feel bad about not writing though, which again is a great sign that changes are actually taking place in my life right now even if I don’t see them yet. So here we are, another Monday and I should be digging into my roots but I feel off today and just wanted to talk about life right now instead. I woke up in this bad mood today. I usually dream every night but last night, I didn’t. Plus, I turned Mark down for sex so I could go to sleep on time. I thought it was going to make me feel empowered and strong like nothing could stand in my way of starting this second week back at the gym. But instead, it made me feel lonely and sad that I had missed out on being with him.
I looked at him fast asleep next to me and all I wanted was to feel his warm body against mine, his big strong arms wrapping around me squeezing me tight. I stayed there a few extra minutes, contemplating my next move. I really wanted to just wallow in my sorrows and go back to sleep. But then it would have all been for nothing and what good would that have done? What a waste it would have been. So I snapped out of it and put my feet on the floor. I used the bathroom, stripped down and stepped on the scale. That only led to more frustration, seeing as I am in the middle of some kind of body revamp right now. Can I just take a moment here and say that weight loss is SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING DAMMIT ALL TO HELL. Ok, now that I got that out of the way let me explain..
I am going to try and sum this all up as quickly and efficiently as possible because my hour is actually already up here and I have some MAJOR cleaning to do today, story of my life….
- I was overweight as a pre-teen
- I played sports, did dance and karate from pre-school until about 12
- I notoriously overate and was always chubby compared to the other girls
- I got my period and boobs at 10 which only made matters worse
- I started exercising, mostly running, and dieting at 15 and finally started to thin out
- There were some ups and downs in my teenage years due to a couple of things (another time)
- By 20 I had a full out eating disorder and serious depression
- My twenties were again all ups and downs but pretty tight on a 10 ish lb spread
- Two babies later, gave up dairy for my skin at 31 while still breastfeeding my 2nd
- The 10 lbs I had been battling my entire adult life melted off (with no exercise)
- The weight stayed off for a year no matter what I did
- About a month ago I was feeling pudgy and kept avoiding the scale until I finally faced the music
- The MOTHER FUCKING DAMMIT ALL THE HELL 10 lbs is back
- I thought oh NBD give me three days of salads and poof gone again, I was wrong
- I walked around in a daze of hunger until I decided I couldn’t do this again
- Back to the gym I went and was like hell yes I am the shit
- Plus I get back to the FitBit Obsession.. Averaging over 110,000 per week (about 17,000 a day)
- Now my weight keeps going… up down up down up.. just to fuck with me
- Trying not to get pissed I start researching again like I used to
- Drink more water + don’t expect changes on the scale for 8 weeks
- I am starting week two. Patience I guess. Patience is my only option
Excuse me while I bore you to death…
My weight throughout high school was pretty much a solid 136. There was a spike I will explain at a later time in the 150’s. After high school there was another short spike of about 145 followed by a low of 109 that I maintained for about 6 months. From there I slowly made it back to the 130’s. The year we built our house, 126ish for about 6 months. Back to 132 after we settled. Babies obviously in there too both had about a 50 lb gain and took a solid year of slow steady weight loss to find my way back to 132ish. Which brings us to my most current situation. I was 121-123 for an entire year. Until suddenly I find myself stuck back at this dreaded 132 my body seems to love but my mind certainly HATES. I HATE this FUCKING number. It literally infuriates me. I felt like a sexy mother fucking bitch for the past year. The sexiest I have ever felt. I couldn’t keep my husbands hands off of me. Our sex life went from 0 to 100, and I am talking the best sex of my entire life, our entire lives. I started doing things I never thought possible. I wanted it ALL THE TIME. That wasn’t me, but it became me in this new body with this new life. I was on fire. My skin was clear. My body was tight as hell and I was always in a good fucking mood. At least, that’s how I saw it. But now I am fucking stuck. And I can’t even believe I put real numbers out there but you know what, FUCK IT. FUCK IT ALL TO DAMN HELL. Because in a few weeks when I work my ass off the right way, the healthy way, and I find myself back FINALLY to my ideal weight again, I am going to be like fuck yes, I did it and now I have proof.