Life is hard, the struggles are real We’re all suffering, we all feel The air is heavy, we bare the weight It happens when we procreate My children deserve more, my husband too I can’t continue being so blue Today was hard, another mistake I feel defeated, more than I can take I can’t stay down here on my knees The world is ticking by I have to pick myself up, before I start to cry There has to be a light out there The struggle has to end I have big dreams I cannot see, I’m always on the mend I’m searching for the rainbow The sparkling gleam of light I’m crawling round the darkness, in the middle of the night The years are short The days are long I need to finally end this song Stop wallowing, stop crying, stop praying for change You are the only person who could possibly rearrange This shattered life, the pain and strife, the chains that bare us down The example that you set, every time you choose to frown Stop holding on and bust this frame, there’s nothing left to loose The only rock that’s left unturned is a life that you must choose ~ Danielle Johnson ~ 05/25/17 ~ 2:25 pm ~
I am in a much better head space today. I made a few changes in my day yesterday that definitely made a difference. For starters, I went running which I haven’t done in far too long. Running made me feel amazing, it is a feeling that I NEED every day. Running is sanity, running is clarity, running is peace. I couldn’t wait to go again today. Unfortunately life had other plans and by the time I got home from my morning earrins Mason had fallen asleep in the car. But I said to myself you know what?! I am going to sweat somehow, someway. So I went out back, finished picking up a pile of dirt left from when I leveled out the pool last week (small pool, very small pool) and then I said ok, I need to sweat more. I pulled out the lawnmower and now I feel all, you know that feeling after you work out, when your muscles kind of hurt and feel engaged? I feel that now which although running really is a mental high for me, having that feeling still really lifts my mood and makes me feel strong, powerful and ready to take on the world. Yesterday I cleaned all the bins leftover in our playroom from when I was sorting through clothes to give away. There are still a lot more to go in the basement but somehow it looks worse than ever down there so I need to make some huge strides with all that before I make any more messes up here. I got my first real comment on the blog yesterday! It honestly made my day 🙂 I still haven’t written back yer because I really want to sit down and take the time to say something thoughtful and nice. Right now I am typing as fast as my fingers will carry because I don’t know how long Mason will contently walk around before he realizes that he wants to hang all over me again. I have no choice but to bring him down to the basement with me after I finish writing this because it just needs to be worked on and there is no other way. He should be sleeping right now but I only got about 45 minutes out of him, I didn’t realize that the lawnmower would wake him up, major fail. Alright this post needs to dig deeper because I am feeling bored just writing it. I have a few topics coming up that I have been wanting to write about for a long time and now that I have put myself out there once, there just isn’t any reason why I shouldn’t keep going. I need to face all the fears. I need to show my heart. I did it once and look, there is one person out there who read what I had to say and said gee, I feel that way too. THAT IS EVERYTHING. Nuff said. Well, this tiny human …READ MORE
I haven’t been writing I think because I have been so down lately. After I wrote that super honest post I just haven’t been able to bring myself back to read it again. It needs to be edited but I just can’t. I feel like if I remember what I wrote, I will delete it. My mother ignored my call on Mother’s Day. She never called back, not even the next day or the day after. She pretends on Facebook like everything is ok. Nothing is ok. I can’t say that I have ever felt this alone, and that is saying something. Not saying that one thing directly correlates with the other but, it doesn’t help to feel rejected by your own mother…. I give up on her. I give up on all things that made me this person. I hate this person. I give up. My husband is tired of the mess that is my life. He expects me to fix it on my own. I wish he understood how hard it is to overcome the sadness that has enveloped my body, it is hard to breath let alone stand tall. I feel pathetic and useless, I feel like a failure. I feel so many emotions that I keep inside because I have no one to share them with. I can’t expect anything from anyone. Not that I ever did but, I need to stop using my loneliness and this constant heel dragging state of mind as my own excuse to live the way I do. When I was working, I was so so low. I hated my job. I hated being alone in the office all day, every day staring at a computer screen. The loneliness drove me insane, I escaped to blogging and Facebook until I got caught and then I just sat there prisoner to my own mistakes for another year until leaving for my maternity leave that would inevitably never end. I swore if I could just get myself out of that atmosphere, out of that life, that I would be ok. I swore it was my job, it was the overspending, it was the commuting, the rushing, the late dinners and lack of time. I swore it was everything else holding me back, everything else was the reason that I never grew up, never felt like I belonged with all the other responsible adults, I wasn’t an adult, I did not could not adult. I woke up late, scrambled around and rushed every single day. I packed up clothes for my daughter to change into because I couldn’t get her ready myself, there was never enough time. I often forgot important things like glasses and shoes. I was a mess. I swore it was because I worked too many hours, I went to school, I had this big house to clean, I was only one person with barely any domestic help from my spouse. I knew that all the stress was causing my sadness, …READ MORE
I have been struggling to write this post to a long time. I picture this blog being something. I picture myself being something. And then I just run circles around myself never really getting anywhere. I am thirty one years old. I am a mother, twice. I have a husband. Actually, I have a great husband, like one of those old fashion Red Forman types. He seriously loves me unconditionally and that’s not something you see every day. We own a beautiful house that we built when we were just twenty six years old which was honestly the most stressful, scary, amazing, beautiful experience of my life. Kind of like motherhood. It was the birth of this incredible structure that wasn’t there before, that we created. Definitely top three biggest accomplishment of my life. But here we are in this very sticky place and here I am. This blog is the beginning of my life. If you are reading this right now, that probably doesn’t make any sense. So let me back up. I met my husband when we were eleven. Yes, you read that right. Eleven. Let that sink in a minute. Think about your life when you were eleven. You were just starting middle school, the sixth grade. You are a nervous, shy bookworm. And when I say bookworm I mean, you read books while walking down the hallway at school so you could avoid awkwardly trying to walk with someone else to class. When I say shy I mean, one time you were at the grocery story with your mom and she asked you to return the shopping cart forgetting the milk underneath. As your walking back to the car a man starts calling to you, “little girl, little girl you forgot your milk” and you run to the car so fast you can’t breath, you don’t hear what he is saying because you are terrified and crying. Yeah, that shy. So you have this Math class that someone someway is filled with a bunch of kids who all get along and become this little click of friends. And in this click of friends is you and your husband. He thinks your cute so one day he passes you a note folded in the shape of a football that says, “will you go out with me?” and it gives you butterflies because a boy likes you but, you have a crush on a different boy so you say no, lets be friends. And friends you would be, for four years you become the best of friends. Your hiding your corded phone under your pillow whispering until the wee hours of the morning, your calling his girlfriend because she has call waiting to get through to his phone, your giving each other these hugs that last so long your own homeroom teacher is like, just have sex already. Jk, but honestly she did tease me that I looooooved him and I was all like eh no we’re just …READ MORE
After the week that I have it is hard to know where to start with this post. Summer is sick, again. I am fighting off whatever germ she has on top of that wonderful monthly visit. I swear she gets a cold virus/ diarrhea thing every month perfectly timed with my schedule to guarantee that my immune system will be low enough to catch it too. Yesterday was super stressful between dealing with her doctors office and her school. Yes I will admit she has missed a lot of school this year. But, every single day that she has spent home was 150% necessary. I do not agree with this no fever, no throw up, you’re going to school thing her doctor’s office is now trying to convince me of. If my daughter can’t breath or is at risk for pooping her pants you better believe she is staying home, fever or not. Yet today, I was basically forced to send her to school with a zip lock bag full of spare clothes and flushable wipes because she doesn’t have a fever. Thanks, I will just sit here a nervous wreck all day, no problem. The only good thing that I can say about the situation is that her teacher is a sweetheart and loves Summer, at least emailing her always makes me feel more at ease. I feel like I can’t transition this first topic into anything else right now. We got a new piece of furniture and a rug over the weekend which I want to talk about and share pictures of but this doesn’t seem like the appropriate time. I have always been doing some serious soul searching and have finally came to some major life decisions which I also really need to get into but, not now. I think I am just going to go. My featured image today is my sweet napping dolly and here is one of my little stud. I can’t get enough of these overalls, they are from last season and honestly just about too small but they are too cute he needs to wear them until they can no longer button!! <3 Peace.
After yesterdays sob fest I was up early today ready for war. I need to get myself out of this rut. I know that writing helps so I am going to continue to write. This blog means a lot to me. It is my dream. Photography, this blog and flipping houses. Those are my dreams. If I could imagine a perfect life it would be photographing and blogging about flipping houses. The fact that our finances are officially fucked and I really need any income I can get right now, right now, really throws a wrench in the gears but I don’t know maybe it doesn’t. This has to be what rock bottom feels like. Or honestly maybe not. I still have a roof over my head, a nice roof at that. I still have an amazing man who stands by my side with a smile on his face no matter what. I still have these two beautiful kids who call me mom and show me their big beautiful smiles every day. Maybe life isn’t that bad. Even if we loose everything, I hate to sound cliche but isn’t it said that you are only free to do anything once you have lost everything? If you are a new reader or maybe you’ve been hanging around awhile, even so I would like to re-introduce myself. My name is Danielle, I have been blogging for 12 years and I like to refer to myself as “the failed blogger”. I say this because, I have never in my life heard of anyone trying to blog for twelve years and be here where I am still at the beginning. Here is how I failed at blogging so maybe you won’t make the same mistakes that I did…. When I began blogging I was nineteen years old and working full time at night in debt collection. I was alone in an office building every night and lonely. I was also dealing with some personal issues that come along with being nineteen years old living on your own with your boyfriend. I had very little contact with my family, we were struggling financially, everything was all just so hard and we were so young. I found a site called Xanga and I thought it would be a great way for me to continue journaling and maybe make some online friends in between phone calls. For years I blogged on Xanga, I even taught myself some HTML and started coding my own health and fitness website called Thinspirationsinc.com. I was excited and obsessed, I loved coding and growing my site, I would just get lost for hours in it! But somewhere along the way I started going to school for Graphic Design and lost site of my goals. I married my boyfriend, we bought a house, I got pregnant and switched my major to nursing thinking I was being more realistic and practical. I stayed with the medical billing company for nearly eleven years working my …READ MORE
I haven’t been sitting much this week. I had stumbled upon a babysitting job that was so perfect which got me into this clean house frenzy and then it fell through and kind of broke my heart. Today, I am not feeling very good. My stomach is upset and I have a headache. Summer wasn’t feeling good this morning either but I sent her to school and told her to have the nurse call me, I figured even if she stayed ten minutes it was better than having to bring her to the doctors today for a note. She has been sick so much this year that we now need a note for every time she is absent. Come on May, bring on the sunshine and get us out of this rut. I put myself out there as a babysitter to see if I could find anything else for the summer. I am thinking it would be awesome for the kids to have some playmates and we really need the income right now. I am also trying to find a realty course that I can take either at night or on the weekends because we have been dreaming about going into realty for years and now and I feel like I am at a point in staying home that I have to do something or we are seriously risking everything. An acquaintance from high school is writing about divorce and openly looking for people to talk to her about their experience. She seems like a good writer just from the little bit that I talked to her. I am going to put a little blurb together about what I went through, who knows maybe it could turn into something. Maybe even get me to a place where I actually want to write about it because I think for the most part at this point I have just blocked out my entire adolescence for one reason or another. I have never talked about my life in all the years that I have been failing at blogging. I am the failed blogger who never even talked about life. Like real life. Why am I here? Why do I write? Why am I so damn unhappy all the time? Stress. Money. My parents non existence in my life. The cystic acne that keeps me hiding from daylight. My lack of career. My lack of focus. My failed jewelry business. All the times that I have dreamed and failed. So much failure. The feeling that my life is almost completely pointless or meaningless. I mean besides my children and my husband, what else do I really have? I spend every waking moment of my day cooking, cleaning, worrying, driving kids around, shopping with money that we don’t have. I mean really. The moments when I see Mason’s giant smile or Summer tell me that she loves me, those little tiny precious seconds of happiness that is all I have. Other than that, I am …READ MORE
A stomach virus ravaged my house for the past three weeks slowly passing from one of us to the other. It ruined my birthday. My husband was the sweetest thing bringing me home this beautiful special ordered carrot cake, he said the only cake he’d ever seen me eat was carrot cake. His heart really was in the right place. The problem was, my husband is the kind of guy whose ability to cook stops with toasting his bagel in the morning so he had no idea the cake was loaded with cream cheese and butter cream frosting. It was a devastating blow to my very fragile state but, I healed and pushed through it. By Wednesday last week after being sick for five days I finally woke up feeling full of energy again and ready to go. The kids and I went to the beach Wednesday, the zoo Thursday, and back to the beach Friday with my little niece. The girls had a cute little sleepover Friday night and then we spent Saturday hanging around the house. It was a great, very busy week. Then Saturday at about two o’clock in the morning I realized I had never brought the kids to go have their picture taken with the Easter bunny, it broke my heart. Mark was really upset too, we have a picture every year from the time that summer was an itty baby. Last year we have one of Summer holding itty bitty Mason. So missing it this year makes me so sad. But at the same time, Mason really doesn’t like masks or strange people. This was his reaction to Santa…. I mean lets be real here, I already have a picture of him screaming on a strangers lap. Yet still, I am bummed. So much that I considered renting a bunny costume just so we could take the picture ourselves. But when I brought up the idea to Summer she said, “Mommy, I really don’t want to do the picture this year”. She didn’t want to “do” the picture with Santa this year either, it was like pulling teeth. Is our tradition over? Excuse me while I go wipe my tears, I’m crushed. It has been over a month since I decided to give up dairy as a two week experiment to see if it could help to clear up my skin. I have cystic acne. Adult hormonal cystic acne. Or at least that is what the dermatologist I saw told me. He also told me to load up on these crazy drugs that were going to change my hormones. I was like, hell no! I mean why would anyone be so obliged to make such a drastic decision without at least trying to adjust your diet? We are what we eat people! When your inner body is not digesting something correctly, if you are becoming inflamed from eating some (like dairy) especially when you are intolerant (lactose) to it, your insides aren’t the …READ MORE
Quinoa is a simple grain that is extremely nutritious breaking down quickly and easily in our bodies making it one of the best possible carbohydrates we can consume! This recipe is a family favorite, requested over and over again!! I originally learned to make a more simple form of this dish years ago from an old friend who introduced me to this amazing and delicious grain! I hope you enjoy it as much as we do!
I decided to add a feature called, “What I’m wearing”. I only have a minute here because it is almost school pick up time but I am going to try and sum it up really quick. As a stay at home mom, I don’t get out much! I am new to all of this, I have only been home for a year and was supposed to return to work but was unable to find anything like my old job that could work with the babysitting we had available. It is a long story in itself that I will tell another time. But for right now, I had found myself in a real rut. I stopped doing my hair and wearing make up. I stopped dressing nice and feeling good about myself. I have lost almost fifty pounds in the past year getting back to and surpassing my pre-pregnancy weight. My body feels great but I just completely stopped trying to look like anything but a tired, overworked mom. Because wow holy -cow. Being home means being on your feel 24×7! It is so much more work than anything I’ve ever done in my entire life. I never expected that. Seriously so many props to every single stay at mom out there. This is a lot. Being home by yourself surrounded by children it’s a lot. But, I love my kids more than anything on earth. I feel now like I just can’t leave them. They are my life and I want it that way. I want to be their life because they are mine. But anyway I am so off track here it’s not even funny! I started taking selfies because I decided that I needed to get myself dressed every day and put make up on. That I needed to make my hair look nice and organize, paint and clean. That I needed to go above and beyond and then beyond that. Because it will never be good enough until it is. I know that I have not done the best job possible yet around here. I know that this house is far from being done but I am getting there. And I am looking much better doing it! Like seriously, my husband has been giving me compliments and there is nothing better than that. There is just nothing better then a happy home and feeling love in your life! So here are my first two days of “What I’m Wearing”! Which is mostly cat hair and old clothes from Walmart :). Enjoy! Tuesday, March 21 Background: messy Shirt: Walmart. Yes, that’s cat hair Pants: Walmart circa, unknown 1st Day of selfies: No fun! Wednesday, March 22 After watching some how to videos and purchasing a selfie stick… Better? Background: A much nicer corner Shirt: Marshalls, many moons ago Pants: Very Old Navy (see what I did there?! Insert smiley face Emoji here) Shoes today! Cabelas Lifetime Warrantee boots that I have had on my feet for …READ MORE