Dear Diary

Enough.

Every single day for most of my life I have told myself that I wasn’t enough.  Not smart enough or pretty enough or good enough to be worthy of other people’s time.  My presence doesn’t matter because I don’t matter and the world just keeps spinning just fine with or without me.  Ive questioned my life in very dark ways, wondering at times why I keep going.  Then I see the faces of my children and I hold on for them, because I know that how I feel in these moments is nothing compared to a lifetime for them without me.  Their mom. My relationship with my own mother is strained.  I haven’t felt truly loved or wanted by her since I was a child.  And even then, my fondest memories of her are not the type of warmth I wish for my own children.  She was not the cuddly affectionate type, at least not with me.  I remember her always rubbing my dads back as they sat together on the couch, even my brother, but not me.  When I would get sick and couldn’t sleep, she would come lay in my bed next to me until I drifted off, that may be the only real comfort that sticks out in my mind. She was always very organized and “teacherly” she has a degree in early childhood education so I guess she just decided to live it through us instead of actually becoming a teacher.  She liked to set up craft projects and things like that.  We always went on vacations, she was great about packing all the right stuff, snacks, food.  It was as if she could never forget things, she was just an absolute pro at that kind of stuff.  Which is something I look up to and have always aspired to be. I believe that my mom had a nervous breakdown in the years that led up to my parents divorce.  She let it completely destroy her and our relationship.  I lost respect for her really young.  Once I started driving and bought my first car, I was pretty much out of the house for good.  I spent the back end of high school making all my own decisions.  I grew up way too fast and when my power group of friends fell apart I was never able to pick up the emotional pieces to move on and replace them.  Instead, I hurried into adulthood friendless and almost alone. My grandparents and my husband have pretty much been the only constants in my adult life.  There have been huge chunks of time where I didn’t speak to either one of my parents or my brother.  My grandma means more to me than any woman on earth.  She is my rock.  Which is why even though I wanted to stay home yesterday and hang around my yard, I agreed to go to her house for Mother’s Day dinner.  But then everything went to shit. I only recently learned …READ MORE

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Dear Diary Family Time Reflections

The Stages of Grief

I think the most important thing to always remember is to never give up.  No matter how many times you have tried to change, tried to become a better person, wake up early, be a better employee, wife or mother.  Whatever it is in your life that is holding you back or constantly feeling like a failure, if you give up on it then you will fail, forever.  My life is a mess right now.  I have felt like I was teetering on rock bottom for weeks.  We have never struggled harder. Unexpectedly becoming a stay at home mom isn’t at all a dream.  It has felt mostly like a nightmare from the very beginning.  First desperately trying to make money from inside the house (denial).  From there I began lashing out on everyone while giving up on my small business to accept taking on the stay at home life in all it’s glory (anger).  Next, convincing myself and my husband that we could afford this life just by living simpler + cancelling out our debt (bargaining).   And then came the depression and…  here I am.  Depressed.  I thought I would never type that actual word….  Sadness.  Sadness is ok.  But to admit depression feels so clinical.  Sure, I have probably been depressed most of my adult life and all of my late childhood.  Sure, if I went to a therapist they would say yeah you are in denial, this is depression.  But to admit that to myself, no I just can’t do it. Now please, if you are depressed, if you have a psychiatric disorder bless you.  Strength and perseverance to you, life is worth living.  I mean that from the bottom of my heart, I believe that life is worth living.  Because I believe that and because I have struggled for so long, because I have seen the glimmer, the light.  Because there have been periods of time where I can say yes I was happy then.  I just know that I don’t want to be medicated, the last thing I need now is to be numb.  I saw what it did to my mother, my aunts, my grandmother, I am trying to start my life now not end it.  I am more focused on breaking the cycle than adding to the number.  So lastly, I am searching for acceptance.  I am searching for myself, my soul, my happiness.  One day I know that I am finally going to look back at this and say I did it.  I finally did it after all these years of trying and failing.  That I am finally finishing all the things that I start.  That I am finally proud to be myself and can say that I am an adult deserving of respect.  I will get there, I will persevere, I will not give up. My 6 year old daughter looked sad today during her soccer game and I said, “Summer why do you have that frown face, you look …READ MORE

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Creative Writing: Songs + Poems Dear Diary

Choose Life

Life is hard, the struggles are real We’re all suffering, we all feel The air is heavy, we bare the weight It happens when we procreate My children deserve more, my husband too I can’t continue being so blue Today was hard, another mistake I feel defeated, more than I can take I can’t stay down here on my knees The world is ticking by I have to pick myself up, before I start to cry There has to be a light out there The struggle has to end I have big dreams I cannot see, I’m always on the mend I’m searching for the rainbow The sparkling gleam of light I’m crawling round the darkness, in the middle of the night The years are short The days are long I need to finally end this song Stop wallowing, stop crying, stop praying for change You are the only person who could possibly rearrange This shattered life, the pain and strife, the chains that bare us down The example that you set, every time you choose to frown Stop holding on and bust this frame, there’s nothing left to loose The only rock that’s left unturned is a life that you must choose   ~ Danielle Johnson ~ 05/25/17 ~ 2:25 pm ~

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