Dear Diary

Enough.

Every single day for most of my life I have told myself that I wasn’t enough.  Not smart enough or pretty enough or good enough to be worthy of other people’s time.  My presence doesn’t matter because I don’t matter and the world just keeps spinning just fine with or without me.  Ive questioned my life in very dark ways, wondering at times why I keep going.  Then I see the faces of my children and I hold on for them, because I know that how I feel in these moments is nothing compared to a lifetime for them without me.  Their mom. My relationship with my own mother is strained.  I haven’t felt truly loved or wanted by her since I was a child.  And even then, my fondest memories of her are not the type of warmth I wish for my own children.  She was not the cuddly affectionate type, at least not with me.  I remember her always rubbing my dads back as they sat together on the couch, even my brother, but not me.  When I would get sick and couldn’t sleep, she would come lay in my bed next to me until I drifted off, that may be the only real comfort that sticks out in my mind. She was always very organized and “teacherly” she has a degree in early childhood education so I guess she just decided to live it through us instead of actually becoming a teacher.  She liked to set up craft projects and things like that.  We always went on vacations, she was great about packing all the right stuff, snacks, food.  It was as if she could never forget things, she was just an absolute pro at that kind of stuff.  Which is something I look up to and have always aspired to be. I believe that my mom had a nervous breakdown in the years that led up to my parents divorce.  She let it completely destroy her and our relationship.  I lost respect for her really young.  Once I started driving and bought my first car, I was pretty much out of the house for good.  I spent the back end of high school making all my own decisions.  I grew up way too fast and when my power group of friends fell apart I was never able to pick up the emotional pieces to move on and replace them.  Instead, I hurried into adulthood friendless and almost alone. My grandparents and my husband have pretty much been the only constants in my adult life.  There have been huge chunks of time where I didn’t speak to either one of my parents or my brother.  My grandma means more to me than any woman on earth.  She is my rock.  Which is why even though I wanted to stay home yesterday and hang around my yard, I agreed to go to her house for Mother’s Day dinner.  But then everything went to shit. I only recently learned …READ MORE

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Dear Diary

Breaking the Silence.

It would seem as if I should have some profound words for this but in reality I don’t.  I just know that I need to do it for my own sanity.  Because I realized recently that I absolutely suck at adulting this thing called life and I need more structure to get through my days.  All I seem to do is waste waste waste around in circles getting nowhere.  It’s just one big cycle of looserdom and I am front and center.  And although I have spoken these words thousands of times before, in the true definition of insanity I am going to believe that this time I will actually change.   SO this time I have a plan.  One that actually involves me living on a schedule and this schedule includes writing.  The stars aligned this morning so I decided today would be day one.  Unfortunately I am being interrupted by a sick toddler who has been waking up early all week despite my best efforts so I need to cut this short.  But, I have started therefore I will be back tomorrow to continue this, whatever this is.   Because I have given this A LOT of thought and I am not playing this whole monetization Better Homes and Gardens bullshit anymore.  This blog is my diary, if people find it and choose to read it cool.  I am going to still post pictures of my family because photography is a HUGE part of my life.  But I am going to ease back into social media and not put the forced emphasis on it that I was before.  I am sticking to the things that are most important to me.  This blog was supposed to be an outlet for me to release my thoughts.  Since the beginning nothing has made sense to me because I was trying to do and be something that I am not.  I am an old school blogger who just likes to write.  It clears my head.  And that is all.  

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Blogging Dear Diary

Be True To Yourself.

I’ve recently come to the realization that I want this blog to be more.  Mostly, because I want myself to be more.  I know that most of you don’t know me and have probably never read a single word I’ve ever written.  Even each and every one of you who now make up the 3k+ followers I’ve gained across social media in the past few months.  I know this because I have been around the block a few times. When I started blogging the entire point was to actually write.  I know, can you believe it?  We all wrote because we wanted to be writers.  SO STRANGE, I know.  We anonymously poured out our souls to each other convincing ourselves we all cared so much,  although we never actually planned to meet in real life.  There was no Twitter or Instagram, or Facebook.  There was no behind the scene pictures and videos.  Blogging was all about the words, the writing, the feelings, the stories.  OUR STORIES. You weren’t running around trying to promote your own face, monetizing and collaborating with brands.  Yet somehow over the past twelve+ years that I’ve been blogging, it has come to this.  The diary like platform I once knew and loved has turned into a full fledge industry crammed with -UPDATED- Because, I am really not the bitch this post makes me out to be. Alright, I’ve definitely said too much.  This isn’t me.  I am not a mean person, I am honestly a really easy going -Nice person.  Well, maybe not easy going but I am nice.  I respect others.  And, I will certainly help anyone who asks, whenever I can.  I have spent the past few months getting to know and help these woman because I genuinely enjoy it… who knew.  And because of my involvement I have now been nominated for two “blogging awards”.  I am pretty sure whoever invented these awards just saw it as another way to pull in page views but lets pretend they actually mean something.  Lets just say, I kinda feel like I have arrived.  The people, they are coming.  I have doubled my page views every month for the past three months.  That is seriously impressive to me.  I laid in bed last night like a crazy person studying my stats projecting my growth for the next year.  What – On – Earth is happening to me? I never saw myself being the type of blogger who could actually make money off of anything that I have written.  And, maybe that is why I have become so salty towards those who do.  In my mind somehow I have convinced myself that I just don’t fit into this world.  I am not all pink and glitter, my house isn’t ready for the pages of Better Homes at any given moment, my look isn’t refined and trendy, I don’t see why anyone would care about my life.  But maybe that is the point.  Maybe there is a place …READ MORE

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Our YouTube Channel Summer's Corner

Summer’s Corner Episode 1: Summer + Mommy Learn to Karaoke

Hey everyone!  We have been making videos for our YouTube channel for almost five months now!  And, all because our daughter Summer wanted to be just like her favorite YouTube family making fun and silly videos, gaming videos, baking things + doing science experiments.  I’m not gonna lie, it was really strange getting started, I was super uncomfortable being on camera!  Honestly, even Summer felt weird about it and my husband is still getting used to it!  But, I saw it as a way to bond with our daughter and do something fun as a family.  So I set out to start creating these videos that she felt so strongly about.  It started out rough, our first series “The Messy Home Tour” was really just us getting used to having our crazy house + ourselves being filmed.  Once we got rolling, hours and hours into editing, it all started to become fun and exciting!  I now see why this family and so many others Vlog and make all sorts of videos that are then shared with the world!  I get it!  We are definitely still getting used to all of it but it really has brought us closer and given us so many nice memories to look back at already in the sort five months we have been making them! That being said, today we have a very special new video series to share with you!  We are calling this series, “Summer’s Corner” entirely because Summer decided that she wanted to call it that and I lost the battle.  The name is inspired by her favorite YouTube channel FGTeeV who have a space for their son called “Chase’s Corner”.  I tried explaining to her quite a few times that we couldn’t just “copy” their name but she insists that her “channel” needs to be just like his because she is their biggest fan.  I am figuring they have millions of subscribers and we now have 22!!  Yes, 22!!  I am so proud 🙂 because last week we had only 2!  So yeah, I don’t think having a similar name is really going to be a problem. We have made a few videos for her playlist that are coming up in my editing and will be posted soon.  There are actually a few that we recorded before this one but we were working on angles and trying out a different camcorder so the quality/ sound/ view was not very good.  Because of that, I decided to make this our first official video and it is just so silly and cute!  Summer makes me laugh with her enthusiasm and excitement for not only making the video but playing the keyboard, she truly loves all things music and arts just like her momma 🙂 I hope you all enjoy the video and look out for the rest to follow!

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Messy Home Tour Our YouTube Channel

61st Day of Summer

The kids are asleep + this video is hella basic (…..  Insert crazy face emoji here for that comment…  did I really just say basic?  Who am I right now?  Anyway… ) I am just walking around blogging showing off the clean house. In other news…  I am back to editing!  I should finally be finishing up the summertime #messyhometour series very soon and then I will be starting #summerscorner and #mommylearnstokareoke.  So, there will be lots of content coming soon to this blog + our channel!  I also may be joining in on a collab for another blog if I can get my submission done in time!  I really need to sit down too and catch everyone up on a diary post because I have lots to talk about between my internship, school and some cray cray stuff going on at our house right now.  But, I have to make this quick because I have A TON of stuff that needs to be accomplished in the cray cray house today so, until next time my friends!!

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Messy Home Tour Our YouTube Channel

58th Day of Summer

As promised, I was able to edit and post two videos today so here is the second one!  This is actually a follow up video to the last video, I did a second tour around 12:30 am after I finished cleaning the house.  There are a few clips of the kids playing that follow the tour!  This far into the summer I started to realize that I had a lot more of the day to share and started adding in additional footage at some point along the way!  These videos definitely worked exactly the way I had hoped.  It went from walking around showing off our mess to recording the kids playing, showing off the garden, showing off our CLEAN HOME!  Woah, haha!  Me actually yup, you know what I am going to say next…  I started vlogging, for real vlogging, with my face alone on the camera.  I know, I am as shocked as you are.  Then comes “Summer’s Corner” games, karaoke, more playtime.  And, dare I even mention I end up doing karaoke all alone, like for realz singing by myself in front of a camera.  I mean, it isn’t pretty, I can never get through a song with all the right words or stay in key but I did it!  AND, I am really going to post those videos too, for real.  As soon as I get there, in editing.  UGH CURSE YOU ICLOUD!!! But just know, we have so much more fun coming up!!!! SO (please) SUBCRIBE AND STAY TUNED!!!  🙂 THANKS GUYS!  (AND GALS!)

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Messy Home Tour Our YouTube Channel

The 57th Day of Summer

So I thought it would be a good idea to share our new videos from our (click here) ->YouTube<- channel!  I started a video project at the beginning of the summer called “The 77 Days of Summer”.  It was really meant to catapult us into making videos because my daughter, Summer is so intrigued with Vlogging!  Only, we didn’t know where to start, I felt super awkward on camera and I would get SO NERVOUS every time I tried to put something together.  So there we were two weeks in after promising that we would start this venture and nothing, not one movie had been made.  It was the second day of summer and I just said you know what, we gotta start somewhere, everyone has to start somewhere!  I grabbed my phone, turned the camera away from me and started walking around the house, pointing out the mess that had also felt like this huge eyesore we couldn’t get around!  Because, how to do you film around the constant mess?!  Summer at first was like, “Mom..  what are you doing?  This is not what I was talking about!!”.  But a few videos later she was totally on board and our love for making these videos turned into all sorts of shenanigans! Right now I have over a thousand video clips on my phone plus additional footage on our camcorder, ranging from a few seconds to 15 or so minutes each!  I was editing right along until I started to have an issue with iCloud taking all my videos from my phone and leaving only thumbnails of them that would then need to be re-downloaded in order to edit and create each movie.  It might not sound like a major issue but, it is a total pain in the neck!  Downloading is really slow and I lost about ten movies that I was almost ready to post which now have to be 100% redone on my computer and learning how to use iMovie on the computer is a whole different story!  But, slowly I am getting there.  Finally today after about a two week hiatus from posting anything on our channel I sat down at our computer and started to clean up this mess!  I thought too that it might be a good idea to talk about each video as it goes public here so I can have some connection to them on our blog and maybe even an explanation to each one! So without further ado, here is the 57th Day of Summer!  This video is not the most exciting one to be starting this with, I am basically half asleep talking about how messy the house is and forcing myself to stay awake to clean it, haha!  But they do get better I promise!!  Welcome to our home and welcome to The Messy Home Tour!

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Dear Diary Family Time Reflections

The Stages of Grief

I think the most important thing to always remember is to never give up.  No matter how many times you have tried to change, tried to become a better person, wake up early, be a better employee, wife or mother.  Whatever it is in your life that is holding you back or constantly feeling like a failure, if you give up on it then you will fail, forever.  My life is a mess right now.  I have felt like I was teetering on rock bottom for weeks.  We have never struggled harder. Unexpectedly becoming a stay at home mom isn’t at all a dream.  It has felt mostly like a nightmare from the very beginning.  First desperately trying to make money from inside the house (denial).  From there I began lashing out on everyone while giving up on my small business to accept taking on the stay at home life in all it’s glory (anger).  Next, convincing myself and my husband that we could afford this life just by living simpler + cancelling out our debt (bargaining).   And then came the depression and…  here I am.  Depressed.  I thought I would never type that actual word….  Sadness.  Sadness is ok.  But to admit depression feels so clinical.  Sure, I have probably been depressed most of my adult life and all of my late childhood.  Sure, if I went to a therapist they would say yeah you are in denial, this is depression.  But to admit that to myself, no I just can’t do it. Now please, if you are depressed, if you have a psychiatric disorder bless you.  Strength and perseverance to you, life is worth living.  I mean that from the bottom of my heart, I believe that life is worth living.  Because I believe that and because I have struggled for so long, because I have seen the glimmer, the light.  Because there have been periods of time where I can say yes I was happy then.  I just know that I don’t want to be medicated, the last thing I need now is to be numb.  I saw what it did to my mother, my aunts, my grandmother, I am trying to start my life now not end it.  I am more focused on breaking the cycle than adding to the number.  So lastly, I am searching for acceptance.  I am searching for myself, my soul, my happiness.  One day I know that I am finally going to look back at this and say I did it.  I finally did it after all these years of trying and failing.  That I am finally finishing all the things that I start.  That I am finally proud to be myself and can say that I am an adult deserving of respect.  I will get there, I will persevere, I will not give up. My 6 year old daughter looked sad today during her soccer game and I said, “Summer why do you have that frown face, you look …READ MORE

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Creative Writing: Songs + Poems Dear Diary

Choose Life

Life is hard, the struggles are real We’re all suffering, we all feel The air is heavy, we bare the weight It happens when we procreate My children deserve more, my husband too I can’t continue being so blue Today was hard, another mistake I feel defeated, more than I can take I can’t stay down here on my knees The world is ticking by I have to pick myself up, before I start to cry There has to be a light out there The struggle has to end I have big dreams I cannot see, I’m always on the mend I’m searching for the rainbow The sparkling gleam of light I’m crawling round the darkness, in the middle of the night The years are short The days are long I need to finally end this song Stop wallowing, stop crying, stop praying for change You are the only person who could possibly rearrange This shattered life, the pain and strife, the chains that bare us down The example that you set, every time you choose to frown Stop holding on and bust this frame, there’s nothing left to loose The only rock that’s left unturned is a life that you must choose   ~ Danielle Johnson ~ 05/25/17 ~ 2:25 pm ~

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Kids Crafts Parenting Uncategorized

10 Adorable Kid Friendly Easter Crafts!

Summer was itching for Easter crafts so this morning we searched the internet and came up with a list of our favorites!  We started with a Candy Filled Easter Chick we are in between paint coats at the moment but I will definitely update when we finish.  The cartons we have are a bit different from the ones that she used in her tutorial so I don’t think ours will look exactly the same but still cute for sure.  I would love to try all of these in the next few weeks we have until the big day!  Summer is so excited for the Easter bunny, she is always so anxious about upcoming chances for gifts!  I have adorable little chests planned for Easter this year instead of baskets.  I hope she appreciates them for what they are and isn’t upset by not having a traditional basket this year.  I never know anymore how she will react to things, she is getting so big!  Here is our list that we made of Adorable Kid Friendly Easter Crafts for this holiday! Candy Filled Easter Chicks from onelittleproject.com Bunny Rabbit Handprint Craft by craftymorning.com Spring Footprint Art from onekriegerchick.com Foam Cup Bunny by iheartcraftythings.com Peep Houses from yesterfood.blogspot.com Sock Bunnies by apumpkinandaprincess String Easter eggs from tinyrottenpeanuts.com Fun Easter egg ideas by avso.org Cardstock Easter Cubby Houses from kinderart.com Flower Crowns by enchantedlearning.com What are your favorite Easter crafts?!!  Share them with me in a comment below!

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