Dear Diary

30 Days

There is no easy way to say this.  I honestly don’t even know if I want to say this.  I have been thinking and overanalyzing what I should and should not write about on this blog for months.  Should I be something that I am not?  Should I push myself to hashtag this and hashtag that?  Should I focus on marketing and influencing and all these foreign things that blogging has become?  The internal struggle triggered my recent super bitch fest post and then I thought NO I can’t say all those things, I can’t trash all of these women it’s just not right.  I am not here to put other people down.  I might not be doing a great job of raising people up but I’m really not trying to hurt anyone in my process. My process.  What does that even mean?  Does anyone on the planet even blog like this anymore?  I honestly thought NO until this morning when I remembered dooce.com, all I had to do was read her about page and it hit me like a ton of bricks, Heather B. Armstrong is apparently my muse.  Strangely enough, we both started blogging over a decade ago, back when people actually wrote about their feelings, I can’t help but make the connection. This to me says, if she can still be writing from this place of truth and honestly, if she can talk about her kids while mixing in jokes about marijuana with a healthy dose of fuck this and ass that then, why can’t I?  I mean ok- so I obviously fucked my life up by not sticking to one handle since the beginning of time like she did.  Ergo I don’t have the following or the clout to be acting that way but you know what, fuck it. I’m at this place in my life right now where honestly, if I don’t find a way to heal myself I am going to loose everything.  Because my head is just that fucked up.  I am just that lost.  Not all the time.  Not every waking moment of my life.  I am certainly no longer the train wreck I was earlier this year but not I am just stuck in this strange limbo period where I feel like anything and nothing are possible at the very same time. I have insomnia.  I apparently have some “special” form of menstruation that causes me to go into fits of uncontrollable rage once a month.  I am also pretty sure I spent the first year+ of my son’s life unknowingly suffering from postpartum depression.  My life has had more ups and downs than I can possibly count on two hands.  I find myself feeling lost, friendless and alone.  I question if I can even be “fixed” or if my life has just been so fucked up to date that my personality has somehow formed from a mashup of all my unresolved issues. And because we cannot afford a therapist and even if …READ MORE

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Blogging Dear Diary

Be True To Yourself.

I’ve recently come to the realization that I want this blog to be more.  Mostly, because I want myself to be more.  I know that most of you don’t know me and have probably never read a single word I’ve ever written.  Even each and every one of you who now make up the 3k+ followers I’ve gained across social media in the past few months.  I know this because I have been around the block a few times. When I started blogging the entire point was to actually write.  I know, can you believe it?  We all wrote because we wanted to be writers.  SO STRANGE, I know.  We anonymously poured out our souls to each other convincing ourselves we all cared so much,  although we never actually planned to meet in real life.  There was no Twitter or Instagram, or Facebook.  There was no behind the scene pictures and videos.  Blogging was all about the words, the writing, the feelings, the stories.  OUR STORIES. You weren’t running around trying to promote your own face, monetizing and collaborating with brands.  Yet somehow over the past twelve+ years that I’ve been blogging, it has come to this.  The diary like platform I once knew and loved has turned into a full fledge industry crammed with -UPDATED- Because, I am really not the bitch this post makes me out to be. Alright, I’ve definitely said too much.  This isn’t me.  I am not a mean person, I am honestly a really easy going -Nice person.  Well, maybe not easy going but I am nice.  I respect others.  And, I will certainly help anyone who asks, whenever I can.  I have spent the past few months getting to know and help these woman because I genuinely enjoy it… who knew.  And because of my involvement I have now been nominated for two “blogging awards”.  I am pretty sure whoever invented these awards just saw it as another way to pull in page views but lets pretend they actually mean something.  Lets just say, I kinda feel like I have arrived.  The people, they are coming.  I have doubled my page views every month for the past three months.  That is seriously impressive to me.  I laid in bed last night like a crazy person studying my stats projecting my growth for the next year.  What – On – Earth is happening to me? I never saw myself being the type of blogger who could actually make money off of anything that I have written.  And, maybe that is why I have become so salty towards those who do.  In my mind somehow I have convinced myself that I just don’t fit into this world.  I am not all pink and glitter, my house isn’t ready for the pages of Better Homes at any given moment, my look isn’t refined and trendy, I don’t see why anyone would care about my life.  But maybe that is the point.  Maybe there is a place …READ MORE

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