Dear Diary Family Time Reflections

The Stages of Grief

I think the most important thing to always remember is to never give up.  No matter how many times you have tried to change, tried to become a better person, wake up early, be a better employee, wife or mother.  Whatever it is in your life that is holding you back or constantly feeling like a failure, if you give up on it then you will fail, forever.  My life is a mess right now.  I have felt like I was teetering on rock bottom for weeks.  We have never struggled harder. Unexpectedly becoming a stay at home mom isn’t at all a dream.  It has felt mostly like a nightmare from the very beginning.  First desperately trying to make money from inside the house (denial).  From there I began lashing out on everyone while giving up on my small business to accept taking on the stay at home life in all it’s glory (anger).  Next, convincing myself and my husband that we could afford this life just by living simpler + cancelling out our debt (bargaining).   And then came the depression and…  here I am.  Depressed.  I thought I would never type that actual word….  Sadness.  Sadness is ok.  But to admit depression feels so clinical.  Sure, I have probably been depressed most of my adult life and all of my late childhood.  Sure, if I went to a therapist they would say yeah you are in denial, this is depression.  But to admit that to myself, no I just can’t do it. Now please, if you are depressed, if you have a psychiatric disorder bless you.  Strength and perseverance to you, life is worth living.  I mean that from the bottom of my heart, I believe that life is worth living.  Because I believe that and because I have struggled for so long, because I have seen the glimmer, the light.  Because there have been periods of time where I can say yes I was happy then.  I just know that I don’t want to be medicated, the last thing I need now is to be numb.  I saw what it did to my mother, my aunts, my grandmother, I am trying to start my life now not end it.  I am more focused on breaking the cycle than adding to the number.  So lastly, I am searching for acceptance.  I am searching for myself, my soul, my happiness.  One day I know that I am finally going to look back at this and say I did it.  I finally did it after all these years of trying and failing.  That I am finally finishing all the things that I start.  That I am finally proud to be myself and can say that I am an adult deserving of respect.  I will get there, I will persevere, I will not give up. My 6 year old daughter looked sad today during her soccer game and I said, “Summer why do you have that frown face, you look …READ MORE

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Creative Writing: Songs + Poems Dear Diary

Choose Life

Life is hard, the struggles are real We’re all suffering, we all feel The air is heavy, we bare the weight It happens when we procreate My children deserve more, my husband too I can’t continue being so blue Today was hard, another mistake I feel defeated, more than I can take I can’t stay down here on my knees The world is ticking by I have to pick myself up, before I start to cry There has to be a light out there The struggle has to end I have big dreams I cannot see, I’m always on the mend I’m searching for the rainbow The sparkling gleam of light I’m crawling round the darkness, in the middle of the night The years are short The days are long I need to finally end this song Stop wallowing, stop crying, stop praying for change You are the only person who could possibly rearrange This shattered life, the pain and strife, the chains that bare us down The example that you set, every time you choose to frown Stop holding on and bust this frame, there’s nothing left to loose The only rock that’s left unturned is a life that you must choose   ~ Danielle Johnson ~ 05/25/17 ~ 2:25 pm ~

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Dear Diary

Tongue Tied

After the week that I have it is hard to know where to start with this post.  Summer is sick, again.  I am fighting off whatever germ she has on top of that wonderful monthly visit.  I swear she gets a cold virus/ diarrhea thing every month perfectly timed with my schedule to guarantee that my immune system will be low enough to catch it too.  Yesterday was super stressful between dealing with her doctors office and her school.  Yes I will admit she has missed a lot of school this year.  But, every single day that she has spent home was 150% necessary.  I do not agree with this no fever, no throw up, you’re going to school thing her doctor’s office is now trying to convince me of.  If my daughter can’t breath or is at risk for pooping her pants you better believe she is staying home, fever or not.  Yet today, I was basically forced to send her to school with a zip lock bag full of spare clothes and flushable wipes because she doesn’t have a fever.  Thanks, I will just sit here a nervous wreck all day, no problem.  The only good thing that I can say about the situation is that her teacher is a sweetheart and loves Summer, at least emailing her always makes me feel more at ease. I feel like I can’t transition this first topic into anything else right now.  We got a new piece of furniture and a rug over the weekend which I want to talk about and share pictures of but this doesn’t seem like the appropriate time.  I have always been doing some serious soul searching and have finally came to some major life decisions which I also really need to get into but, not now.  I think I am just going to go. My featured image today is my sweet napping dolly and here is one of my little stud. I can’t get enough of these overalls, they are from last season and honestly just about too small but they are too cute he needs to wear them until they can no longer button!! <3 Peace.  

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Dear Diary What I'm Wearing

What I’m Wearing: Day One and Two!

I decided to add a feature called, “What I’m wearing”.  I only have a minute here because it is almost school pick up time but I am going to try and sum it up really quick.  As a stay at home mom, I don’t get out much!  I am new to all of this, I have only been home for a year and was supposed to return to work but was unable to find anything like my old job that could work with the babysitting we had available.  It is a long story in itself that I will tell another time.  But for right now, I had found myself in a real rut.  I stopped doing my hair and wearing make up.  I stopped dressing nice and feeling good about myself.  I have lost almost fifty pounds in the past year getting back to and surpassing my pre-pregnancy weight. My body feels great but I just completely stopped trying to look like anything but a tired, overworked mom.  Because wow holy -cow.  Being home means being on your feel 24×7!  It is so much more work than anything I’ve ever done in my entire life.  I never expected that.  Seriously so many props to every single stay at mom out there.  This is a lot.  Being home by yourself surrounded by children it’s a lot.  But, I love my kids more than anything on earth.  I feel now like I just can’t leave them.  They are my life and I want it that way.  I want to be their life because they are mine. But anyway I am so off track here it’s not even funny!  I started taking selfies because I decided that I needed to get myself dressed every day and put make up on.  That I needed to make my hair look nice and organize, paint and clean.  That I needed to go above and beyond and then beyond that.  Because it will never be good enough until it is.  I know that I have not done the best job possible yet around here.  I know that this house is far from being done but I am getting there.  And I am looking much better doing it!  Like seriously, my husband has been giving me compliments and there is nothing better than that.  There is just nothing better then a happy home and feeling love in your life!  So here are my first two days of “What I’m Wearing”!  Which is mostly cat hair and old clothes from Walmart :). Enjoy!    Tuesday, March 21      Background:  messy Shirt:  Walmart.  Yes, that’s cat hair Pants:  Walmart circa, unknown 1st Day of selfies:  No fun! Wednesday, March 22 After watching some how to videos and purchasing a selfie stick… Better? Background:  A much nicer corner Shirt:  Marshalls, many moons ago Pants:  Very Old Navy  (see what I did there?!  Insert smiley face Emoji here) Shoes today!  Cabelas Lifetime Warrantee boots that I have had on my feet for …READ MORE

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