Weight Loss/ Healthy Living

Tipping the Scale.

I had to cover a shift on Friday morning during my designated writing time.  I am pretty much a sham but I babysit a few hours every week and I also work as a home companion for an elderly couple.  I mostly just hang out with them and wash their dishes.  It’s a pretty sweet gig.  My friend who works their morning shift asked me to cover and I’m always down to make money.  At first when I agreed to it I immediately wrote off the gym but my husband was all like, don’t be a bum, what’s a half hour in the grand scheme of things?  SO.. I was like, challenge accepted..  And, I woke up even earlier to still make it to the gym before work, I even showered for the first time ever there which I thought I was going to hate but actually, it wasn’t that bad. I thought I could come home after work and write a little later than usual but the day got away from me and by the time I realized I forgot about writing I didn’t have an hour to devote to it anymore and just moved on.  It was Cinco De Mayo and I had this elaborate meal planned which turned out to be a big waste of time.  My husband has turned into my clients yard guy and, their husband ended up calling and asked if he could come clean out their gutters which turned into a 2.5 hour job, after he had already worked all day.  I missed out on playing with the kids in the kiddie pool because I was cooking.  And, we missed out on being together as a family enjoying the meal because the job took too long.  By the time he got back, I was putting the kids in bed and we ate without them.  Such is life right? I feel bad about not writing though, which again is a great sign that changes are actually taking place in my life right now even if I don’t see them yet.  So here we are, another Monday and I should be digging into my roots but I feel off today and just wanted to talk about life right now instead.  I woke up in this bad mood today.  I usually dream every night but last night, I didn’t.  Plus, I turned Mark down for sex so I could go to sleep on time.  I thought it was going to make me feel empowered and strong like nothing could stand in my way of starting this second week back at the gym.  But instead, it made me feel lonely and sad that I had missed out on being with him. I looked at him fast asleep next to me and all I wanted was to feel his warm body against mine, his big strong arms wrapping around me squeezing me tight.  I stayed there a few extra minutes, contemplating my next move.  I really wanted to …READ MORE

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Dear Diary

30 Days

There is no easy way to say this.  I honestly don’t even know if I want to say this.  I have been thinking and overanalyzing what I should and should not write about on this blog for months.  Should I be something that I am not?  Should I push myself to hashtag this and hashtag that?  Should I focus on marketing and influencing and all these foreign things that blogging has become?  The internal struggle triggered my recent super bitch fest post and then I thought NO I can’t say all those things, I can’t trash all of these women it’s just not right.  I am not here to put other people down.  I might not be doing a great job of raising people up but I’m really not trying to hurt anyone in my process. My process.  What does that even mean?  Does anyone on the planet even blog like this anymore?  I honestly thought NO until this morning when I remembered dooce.com, all I had to do was read her about page and it hit me like a ton of bricks, Heather B. Armstrong is apparently my muse.  Strangely enough, we both started blogging over a decade ago, back when people actually wrote about their feelings, I can’t help but make the connection. This to me says, if she can still be writing from this place of truth and honestly, if she can talk about her kids while mixing in jokes about marijuana with a healthy dose of fuck this and ass that then, why can’t I?  I mean ok- so I obviously fucked my life up by not sticking to one handle since the beginning of time like she did.  Ergo I don’t have the following or the clout to be acting that way but you know what, fuck it. I’m at this place in my life right now where honestly, if I don’t find a way to heal myself I am going to loose everything.  Because my head is just that fucked up.  I am just that lost.  Not all the time.  Not every waking moment of my life.  I am certainly no longer the train wreck I was earlier this year but not I am just stuck in this strange limbo period where I feel like anything and nothing are possible at the very same time. I have insomnia.  I apparently have some “special” form of menstruation that causes me to go into fits of uncontrollable rage once a month.  I am also pretty sure I spent the first year+ of my son’s life unknowingly suffering from postpartum depression.  My life has had more ups and downs than I can possibly count on two hands.  I find myself feeling lost, friendless and alone.  I question if I can even be “fixed” or if my life has just been so fucked up to date that my personality has somehow formed from a mashup of all my unresolved issues. And because we cannot afford a therapist and even if …READ MORE

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